How About a New Legacy?

My daughters are getting older.  Grace, who will be four in a few days, has become the epitome of her name overnight, it seems.  She seems to have inherited all of her parents' best genetic traits... and there is something inherently wrong with that thinking.  It must change before I continue that same lie for another generation.

Belief: there is not one damn thing wrong, aside from genetic material that would harm, with me - with anyone.  Not one.  Each gene carries in it, personified beauty and strength. 
Action (the untruth brought into action): I fear my daughter will inherit my butt, my thick waist, my back, my thick arms, my jaw, my tendency to gain weight, my insane cravings, etc. (And dear God, if anyone writes to me to make me feel better about myself, I'll scream... it's not the point.  I am fine!)

What she learns: Mommy's butt/waist/back/jaw/arms/metabolism/etc. is flawed and undesirable and if I (she) inherits those things, I (she) will also be flawed and undesirable.  And the lie is continued. 

As you all know, I am on the treacherous quest to loving myself - truly loving myself - not despite of (that is in fact giving in to the same crap - that same idea that there is some standard to which we are not measuring), but in inclusion of.  My dear, dear roommate and friend, Natalie and I were having a candid conversation - we had many, many those days.  I think we were actually discussing body image and of course, I had to mention the butt thing, because I just can't miss the opportunity to rip on it.  You know what she told me?  She said, “I think it's beautiful - it's shaped like a heart."  It was the first time I heard my tushy tush described against a clean slate of beauty - no judgment, uncompared, loving.  I just went, "hum" on the inside and walked away with the desire to keep walking there.  Natalie, by the way, is someone who has the ability to love everyone and everything unconditionally and passionately.  She has the grandest and most open soul and she spreads it everywhere.  She lives in abundance.  Her love makes you feel phenomenal and beautiful without once thinking of your appearance, for thinking of your appearance would degrade your true beauty.  What a way to be.  What a way to be. 

And this, my friends, is the legacy I wish to lavish on my little girls.  -That a mere hesitance on the state of their outer beauty would be a disservice to their true beauty.  I want to teach them to look through to themselves and to others.  I've no doubt they will find beauty all around them, in all forms, shapes, colors, sizes, practices - no standards, no judgments - just honest recognition of the God within.  How radiant and perfect!


So, the question comes up:  make up, taking care of your body, blah, blah, blah. 
Make-up: I think make up indulges the myth that a person needs help to be beautiful.  It goes against all that stuff I wrote up above. But we do live in a society that does have standards we are somewhat obliged to abide by.  I think if I instill all that other stuff in them, they will not feel they have to rely on it to feel beautiful.  That, thank God, is truly broken out of me.  The Month with a Mirror did that for me.
Taking Care of Your Body: This means respecting this amazing body we have been given.  It means I have the honor of teaching my children to care for it by feeding it nourishing and nutritious foods that don't cause cravings and blood sugar spikes.  I teach better choices.  I teach physical activity.  I teach laughter.  I teach prayer and meditation.  These things - this basic love and respect is what is missing in a person whose body is off course, and these things are what will set them on cause again. The motivation is being healthy and vibrant.  All else will follow. 

This plan is the only plan that can be applied to all human beings with the same result: that you are beautiful, not despite or in spite, but inclusive of every cell in your body.  This is what you tell humanity.  This is what you tell your Down syndrome children, your healthy children, those with congenital malformations (which are really just so because they are measured against a standard, unless it hinders development).  The list goes on.  The challenge, I dare say, to believe and take action on it is equal whether you have the developmentally challenged child or the healthy child, in that they both struggle to learn the truth about beauty and will be dramatically changed forever by what they find.  Let's help them find the truth by helping ourselves live the truth in front of them.  It could be the new epidemic!  Who's with me?

I truly hope you readers will begin to participate in this dialogue.  I am not writing for sympathy of commits about me.  I am writing in hopes to start a candid and honest dialogue about issues we are afraid to talk about.  I want to know how anything makes you feel or think, whether remorseful, angry, opposing, sad, excited, etc.  Please comment.  Let's talk about this world we're living in and raising our children in.  It's ours, and despite popular belief, we can shape it.  I am also open to suggestions of new topics. 

Gratitude

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalal Al-Din Rumi

Well folks, honestly, I am still not sure I have much to say. But here I am, finally willing to put fingers to keys.  And yes, that is the reason I have not been back for a while.  I have had nothing to say, out of shear overwhelm and speechlessness.  Suffice to say what needn't be said.   

Details aren't important.  Really, they never are.  It's how we respond to them that matters.  So, what I will divulge is I found myself in my pastor's office, telling him everything, crying, and asking why.  Why do things like this happen to good people?  Why is this happening to me when I did nothing wrong; when I go out of my way to try to do good?  Guess what?  He didn't have an answer.  See, I was raised in a tradition that believes that you earn your keep (basically).  Good = good things.  Bad = bad things.  Here I am, a thinking, progressive individual, buying into the idea that I must have done something wrong to cause such destruction in my life.  Why hasn't my goodness been good enough?  Ah, the guilt! So, my pastor just smiled and said he didn't know.  And neither do I. 

One thing I have not been feeling lately is gratitude.  When circumstances have your face in the mud, it is difficult to be grateful for the beneficial microbes in the mud or the free mask you are getting.  I don't think being grateful means you have to pretend you are enjoying the agony.  I think you have to just keep your head down and keep going through the agony.  The gratitude is for the mere fact that you are alive (the least common denominator, yet the most valuable).  That one thing means you have the limitless opportunity to see beauty - the choice to see beauty.  And beauty is bliss, isn't it?  Knowing that we, at any given moment, can look one direction and see bliss and the other direction and see agony, why do we ever take a second look at agony?  I can tell you why I have been staring down agony:  I’ve just wanted to be able to hurt and fall apart and scream out, ask why, and maybe even call out for help.  I’ve wanted to be weak.  And I’ve wanted to, well, complain.  And you know, that is ok.  I do believe I needed to allow myself to look up and say, "Holy crap, this sucks so bad."  I am still saying some of that.  But, now for the beauty:  I turn my head the other direction, and I see potential - potential for all of us, the entire world, humanity, to rise up and “be.”  To me, it makes sense that if there is something to be, that thing to be is love.  It's exciting to know that love is a renewable resource! Love is the present form of life.  It's our essence; life's essence.  And you know, there is no agony in the present - in love.  Agony is a response to something that happened in the past.  Love is the only option for those who choose to be in the present.  Tonight, as I sit and reflect on what I have written, I realize that I am having "present" moments - moments when I am only here, now, nothing more or less.  And I have found my gratitude. 

Fear - What Are We Afraid Of?

We live in a society that is run by fear - the creation of fear and the response to fear.  The media creates fear in us by telling us we are in danger of losing our beauty, our safety, our lives, etc.  But, it is important to realize their motivation: money.  Plain and simple, it is a self motivated manipulation to encourage us to buy into their product which will save us, whether it be political, product or otherwise. This post could easily be all about debunking and recognizing the myths that control production and policy in the US, but I would rather focus on the effect fear has on our core. 

We are afraid to love.  We are afraid to love ourselves and we are afraid to love each other.  We are afraid to love each other because we are afraid to love ourselves.  When I had my 3 year old daughter, I read tons of articles on how to raise a secure and happy child.  Hands down, the theme was about creating security in children by simply being there.  The toddler should not be afraid to venture out on their own, because they know you will not abandon them.  We have proven to them we will always be there, so they are able to stray a bit and know you are there or will return to them.  Let's take that personally now.  Why are we afraid to venture out on our own - to take risks, and more importantly to love?  To answer that question, we have to look at ways we have shown ourselves that we will not be there when we return.  I believe this is about many things, one of which is dishonoring our core.  How many of us have beliefs that we do not honor with action?  That behavior creates distrust.  Ultimately, it creates disrespect and fear, even self-loathing.  We are approaching a time of year that, for most of us, begins with strong resolve and ends in disappointment.  We usually do not recognize the effects that making promises, only to fail, have on our psyche, self love, security, trust, respect and resolve.  It seems simple.  We make a resolution, it fades, we move on.  But, I believe it has lasting effects on our ability to trust ourselves, and ultimately, our ability to love ourselves.  The question, then, is raised: what about those of us who make such lofty resolutions, we are sure to fail?  Self sabotage - a confirmation that we are as we think we are.  We do this with ourselves, and we do this with others.  We bring people into our lives who will reject us and repeat the pattern of rejection in our lives, thus confirming our unworthiness of love.  Again, more importantly, we create situations in our psyche that confirm our unworthiness of self love.  It boils down to a sincere and real desire to love ourselves with the unconditional love we crave from others, and the wisdom and courage to recognize our motivation down to the very thought that sparked a resolution - the least common denominator.  Once that tiny goal is accomplished, we can move on. 

Dealing with rejection from others is as simple as being honest.  We must ask, with unfiltered honesty, why we choose to focus our attention on this person. Note: denial is a filter. Then, we can enjoy them.  We can allow them to know us. We can love freely.  We can let their stuff be theirs and realize if the interest is not reciprocated, it is their stuff that causes that reaction.  It does not qualify us or disqualify us.  Afterall, we are who were, honestly, without filters and pretense.  We can not change the way we look or who we are. The motivation to want to change verifies to them and ourselves that we are less than adequate.  In truth, it is the opinion of one person in a moment that controls our self esteem.  Imagine what that does to us each time we attempt to buy into the opinions of others, the thousands of others, that flow in and out of our lives by way of personal interaction and media. The pressure to meet those standards is disabling, and ultimately, it creates an intense disregard for ourselves and our well being.  Do you really want to subject yourself to that? Ask yourself honestly.  Be who you are.  Look how you look.  If you see the need for change, for growth, look at your motivation and ask it to be pure and broken down to the least common denominator.  Set a realistic goal based on that denominator.  Meet that goal.  Repeat.  See the amazing strength and beauty that comes from removing the filters and allowing the honesty of your core to rule your life. I believe a new respect and love will come from that choice, and it will be a giant step toward an unconditional core. 

If you have never checked out Anthony Robbins, the Amazon link embedded in this post is a cheap way to do so.  This DVD appears to be a "nutshell" version of his Personal Power series.  I had the opportunity to go through his Personal Power series a few years ago and can say I was changed forever by his words and the impact they had on me.  He is a genius and I can not recommend him enough.

Facing the Facts

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
Colin Powell

Ego is a social fiction for which one person at a time gets all the blame.
Robert Anton Wilson

Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.
John Bradshaw

I think one of the interesting things about poker is that once you let your ego in, you're done for.
Al Alvarez

In retrospect I realize that the threat was about ego rather than the validity of the music.
David Baker

It was 100 percent music. There was no ego involved, no attitudes, no black and white, it was pure music.
Lee Konitz

Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts.
Clare Boothe Luce

Stupidity combined with arrogance and a huge ego will get you a long way.
Chris Lowe

The ego constantly competes with the spirit for control over your inner voice.
Darren L. Johnson

The ego is not master in its own house.
Sigmund Freud

The great corrupter of public man is the ego. Looking at the mirror distracts one's attention from the problem.
Dean Acheson

The ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something.
Muhammed Iqbal

Yesterday, I fully greeted an old friend for the first time in a month.  It was a surreal moment of simplicity - just a "hello" and a mere "let's get down to business." I was thrilled to find I hadn't much need to look and often forgot I was allowed. I felt indifferent, actually.  But, at the same time, we reunited warmly. I have not posted in some time.  This project proved itself to be quite a challenge - far more challenging than I ever imagined.  I expected a challenge, but I did not expect to be turned upside down in so many ways.  While this particular project has ended, the journey has only begun.  I have found that removing obstacles often only places a spotlight on all of the other obstacles.  I have also found that when you do real introspective personal work, the ego balks and struggles more than when you were still.  I woke so many things up in myself that I have felt incredibly overwhelmed, and even, for a couple of days, completely defeated.  I had a dear friend (in her 80's and my greatest mentor and support) tell me that I was "really putting myself through the wringer."  Indeed. 

On November 19, I turned 38 years old.  My sister in law gifted us a babysitter, so we went out... We do not often have the luxury of going out on a date. With the intensity of our schedules and having small children, a night out holds an incredible importance in my mind - mostly regarding the prospect of intimacy and romance. So, I immediately felt incredibly vulnerable and insecure.  Afterall, I have to look perfect in every way to earn the right to be attractive to him and have him drooling all over me, chasing me, and making me feel wanted and loved, right? Ha ha ha...  This is how I felt.  But, this is not what I believe.  That night, Ego: 1; me, 0.  We went bowling.  In my mind, every time I went up to bowl, he must have been thinking about how wide my hips and butt have gotten, how he could see all of my back fat, legs don't seem as trim as they once were, etc.  In actuality, he was probably thinking, "here she goes... come on gutter ball... oh, I mean, Go Chelle!... (and in his case particularly) look at that woodwork... oh there's a piece of fuzz on the couch... lights... pretty... oooh big tv... what song is that? ... I wonder if the blue I see is the color everyone sees...ummmm, nachos, hungry, must have nachos, oh! is it my turn?" - and all in a split second.  More importantly, perhaps he did have the thought in passing that I had put on weight.  I HAVE put on weight. But, that does not qualify or disqualify me. That dialogue I assumed was going on in his head about my physique was my OWN dialogue, and I projected it onto him. When we feel disqualified, it is because we are disqualifying ourselves. That is not to say that people do not disqualify and qualify us in their own games.  People do.  Our husbands and wives do sometimes.  But, it is up to us to not allow it to be our game.  And, we dealt with that over the month, too... the difficulty of physical attraction, which is pure ego to ego.  I had a lot of baggage going into my relationship with my husband regarding my body image - years of rejection - years of weight issues - years of assumption that each rejection was a result of their issues with my weight.  How convenient to place the blame on something that feels like it is out of my control, rather than to face something I have control over, like my personality or behavior!  But, our physical attraction issues are also unique to our own dynamic, set aside from my excess baggage, so to speak.  He is, afterall, a red-blooded, westernized, eye-candified and certified man.  He liked my previous body-builder fit body, and SO DID I! He would like me to be back there, and SO WOULD I! I have positively NO control over the choices he makes (and he is a wonderful person and chooses consciensciously, thank God.) But, I DO have control over my own choices.  I can choose not to disqualify myself.  In our relationship, it is important that we both understand that sex is about being intimate with each other - sharing each other and being close - connecting.  That truth will bring a marriage into forever, while the fallacy that sex is about physical attraction will destroy a marriage after a few years, a few babies and a few pounds happen.  We, as a couple can work on practicing that.  But, it is my job to take that truth home to myself.  And let me tell you, friends, as I am writing this, I am working it out.  I felt the most incredible pain in my heart regarding this issue over the last couple of weeks.  There are facts - the undeniable existence of "states of being":  I have gained weight.  My body shape has changed.  But those facts can stand alone.  They don't have to be weighted with qualifiers and determiners.  We do that to ourselves.  And guess what? Due to some metabolic issues and other factors, I can't lose the weight right now, no matter what I do.  I could be at this weight for the rest of my life.  With the belief that "when I lose weight, he will love me, I will be happy, I will feel good about myself, etc," I would be postponing love...forever.   I am forced to love myself NOW, as I am... or not... But I am here doing this work because I want true peace and happiness, and I want to afford my sweet little girls the same option. And as it should be. 

I don't believe I am the only person who projects my feelings on those around me. Assumptions can also be projections. I did my share of that in the last couple of weeks,too. Assumptions - those sneaky little bastards! Case in point: I have a wonderful friend who suffered the wrath of my assumptions. I had felt like she was pulling away from me. In reality, she was just living her life, loving me all the same, but really busy. I had some insecurities about how she perceived me, based on how I perceived myself around her. I built the idea that she was pulling away from me on top of a big foundation of my own insecurities. That's how it starts... Some fact - an element of truth that should stand alone and does stand alone without ego, and then you use your own projections as little supports. And thus, a lie is constructed - a lie that reinforces your own feelings about yourself. Ahhhh.... Confirmation! I really do suck! No, assuming sucks. Remember the old phrase: "When you ass-u-me, you make an..."

    

The Only Perfection

That I Would Be Good   by Alanis Morissette

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

The pressure to measure up to the standards we set for ourselves is crushing.  We tend to blame others for the responsibility of setting this standard, but we own that standard, that belief.  In reading the lyrics of "That I would be good," one might assume this is a statement about the judgements of others.  But, what happens if we make it a song to ourselves?  If you remember in a previous post, I mentioned that amazing moment when my second daughter was in the birth canal and then in my arms.  It was a chatterless moment of euphoria.  Why didn't it last?  - Because, the next moment was filled with fear - the fear the I would fail this tiny little life as a mother and care giver - the fear that she would die - the fear that I would not be enough - the fear that she would see through me and call my bluff one day.  Perhaps I am alone in this, but I don't think so.  I remember, when I was still singing regularly for a living, often feeling like I was a fraud - that it was just a matter of time before someone would see me for what I really was, call me out, and it would all be over.  I remember finding it to be so peculiar that I had this underlying feeling most of the time, but I hadn't the capacity to recognize it for what it really was: I did not believe I was worthy, so I rejected the notion that I would be loved, have success, be contented or happy, or healthy...  Rather, I took a much safer notion that every bit of positivity in my life was a fluke.  I should not embrace it, for it will soon be stripped away... and as it should be. I certainly did not deserve it. In a world where we are taught to "earn," this is such a foreign concept.  As I am writing now, it is difficult for me to accept that there is a place within me that is unconditional, constant, and honest.  But, I think it is in the release - the release of all of those things we hold onto that act as shields to our cores - the pretenses, the standards, the subtexts, the chatter, the absolutes, the defenses - the release of all of those things, to leave us in a place of vulnerability.  While most definitions of vulnerable have a negative connotations (i.e. "capable of being emotionally or physically wounded," or "open to attack or damage"), I believe it means to be stripped down to the least common denominator, the essence, the core (without defenses).  The definitions seem to assume that what is coming at that which is vulnerable is malicious.  I have a theory that love is like light:  It is never consumed.  When light is present, it radiates from its core or source and expands to its very limit.  The brighter the source, the greater the expanse.  Light is never overtaken with darkness, therefore one can assume that light also acts as a force field to the surrounding darkness.  So, when you are vulnerable, you are opening yourself to unconditional love, which radiates from within, creates a force field and covers everything within its reach.  It's the only perfection. 

If you have not already, I beg you, I insist, I implore you to watch the video I have posted of Dr. Brene' Brown.  I watched it tonight, finally, after the recommendation of a dear friend (thank you!).  It blew my mind.  You will not believe how right on it is with what we are all exploring together.  Please, please watch it.  You will not regret it!