Gratitude

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalal Al-Din Rumi

Well folks, honestly, I am still not sure I have much to say. But here I am, finally willing to put fingers to keys.  And yes, that is the reason I have not been back for a while.  I have had nothing to say, out of shear overwhelm and speechlessness.  Suffice to say what needn't be said.   

Details aren't important.  Really, they never are.  It's how we respond to them that matters.  So, what I will divulge is I found myself in my pastor's office, telling him everything, crying, and asking why.  Why do things like this happen to good people?  Why is this happening to me when I did nothing wrong; when I go out of my way to try to do good?  Guess what?  He didn't have an answer.  See, I was raised in a tradition that believes that you earn your keep (basically).  Good = good things.  Bad = bad things.  Here I am, a thinking, progressive individual, buying into the idea that I must have done something wrong to cause such destruction in my life.  Why hasn't my goodness been good enough?  Ah, the guilt! So, my pastor just smiled and said he didn't know.  And neither do I. 

One thing I have not been feeling lately is gratitude.  When circumstances have your face in the mud, it is difficult to be grateful for the beneficial microbes in the mud or the free mask you are getting.  I don't think being grateful means you have to pretend you are enjoying the agony.  I think you have to just keep your head down and keep going through the agony.  The gratitude is for the mere fact that you are alive (the least common denominator, yet the most valuable).  That one thing means you have the limitless opportunity to see beauty - the choice to see beauty.  And beauty is bliss, isn't it?  Knowing that we, at any given moment, can look one direction and see bliss and the other direction and see agony, why do we ever take a second look at agony?  I can tell you why I have been staring down agony:  I’ve just wanted to be able to hurt and fall apart and scream out, ask why, and maybe even call out for help.  I’ve wanted to be weak.  And I’ve wanted to, well, complain.  And you know, that is ok.  I do believe I needed to allow myself to look up and say, "Holy crap, this sucks so bad."  I am still saying some of that.  But, now for the beauty:  I turn my head the other direction, and I see potential - potential for all of us, the entire world, humanity, to rise up and “be.”  To me, it makes sense that if there is something to be, that thing to be is love.  It's exciting to know that love is a renewable resource! Love is the present form of life.  It's our essence; life's essence.  And you know, there is no agony in the present - in love.  Agony is a response to something that happened in the past.  Love is the only option for those who choose to be in the present.  Tonight, as I sit and reflect on what I have written, I realize that I am having "present" moments - moments when I am only here, now, nothing more or less.  And I have found my gratitude.