Facing the Facts

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
Colin Powell

Ego is a social fiction for which one person at a time gets all the blame.
Robert Anton Wilson

Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.
John Bradshaw

I think one of the interesting things about poker is that once you let your ego in, you're done for.
Al Alvarez

In retrospect I realize that the threat was about ego rather than the validity of the music.
David Baker

It was 100 percent music. There was no ego involved, no attitudes, no black and white, it was pure music.
Lee Konitz

Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts.
Clare Boothe Luce

Stupidity combined with arrogance and a huge ego will get you a long way.
Chris Lowe

The ego constantly competes with the spirit for control over your inner voice.
Darren L. Johnson

The ego is not master in its own house.
Sigmund Freud

The great corrupter of public man is the ego. Looking at the mirror distracts one's attention from the problem.
Dean Acheson

The ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something.
Muhammed Iqbal

Yesterday, I fully greeted an old friend for the first time in a month.  It was a surreal moment of simplicity - just a "hello" and a mere "let's get down to business." I was thrilled to find I hadn't much need to look and often forgot I was allowed. I felt indifferent, actually.  But, at the same time, we reunited warmly. I have not posted in some time.  This project proved itself to be quite a challenge - far more challenging than I ever imagined.  I expected a challenge, but I did not expect to be turned upside down in so many ways.  While this particular project has ended, the journey has only begun.  I have found that removing obstacles often only places a spotlight on all of the other obstacles.  I have also found that when you do real introspective personal work, the ego balks and struggles more than when you were still.  I woke so many things up in myself that I have felt incredibly overwhelmed, and even, for a couple of days, completely defeated.  I had a dear friend (in her 80's and my greatest mentor and support) tell me that I was "really putting myself through the wringer."  Indeed. 

On November 19, I turned 38 years old.  My sister in law gifted us a babysitter, so we went out... We do not often have the luxury of going out on a date. With the intensity of our schedules and having small children, a night out holds an incredible importance in my mind - mostly regarding the prospect of intimacy and romance. So, I immediately felt incredibly vulnerable and insecure.  Afterall, I have to look perfect in every way to earn the right to be attractive to him and have him drooling all over me, chasing me, and making me feel wanted and loved, right? Ha ha ha...  This is how I felt.  But, this is not what I believe.  That night, Ego: 1; me, 0.  We went bowling.  In my mind, every time I went up to bowl, he must have been thinking about how wide my hips and butt have gotten, how he could see all of my back fat, legs don't seem as trim as they once were, etc.  In actuality, he was probably thinking, "here she goes... come on gutter ball... oh, I mean, Go Chelle!... (and in his case particularly) look at that woodwork... oh there's a piece of fuzz on the couch... lights... pretty... oooh big tv... what song is that? ... I wonder if the blue I see is the color everyone sees...ummmm, nachos, hungry, must have nachos, oh! is it my turn?" - and all in a split second.  More importantly, perhaps he did have the thought in passing that I had put on weight.  I HAVE put on weight. But, that does not qualify or disqualify me. That dialogue I assumed was going on in his head about my physique was my OWN dialogue, and I projected it onto him. When we feel disqualified, it is because we are disqualifying ourselves. That is not to say that people do not disqualify and qualify us in their own games.  People do.  Our husbands and wives do sometimes.  But, it is up to us to not allow it to be our game.  And, we dealt with that over the month, too... the difficulty of physical attraction, which is pure ego to ego.  I had a lot of baggage going into my relationship with my husband regarding my body image - years of rejection - years of weight issues - years of assumption that each rejection was a result of their issues with my weight.  How convenient to place the blame on something that feels like it is out of my control, rather than to face something I have control over, like my personality or behavior!  But, our physical attraction issues are also unique to our own dynamic, set aside from my excess baggage, so to speak.  He is, afterall, a red-blooded, westernized, eye-candified and certified man.  He liked my previous body-builder fit body, and SO DID I! He would like me to be back there, and SO WOULD I! I have positively NO control over the choices he makes (and he is a wonderful person and chooses consciensciously, thank God.) But, I DO have control over my own choices.  I can choose not to disqualify myself.  In our relationship, it is important that we both understand that sex is about being intimate with each other - sharing each other and being close - connecting.  That truth will bring a marriage into forever, while the fallacy that sex is about physical attraction will destroy a marriage after a few years, a few babies and a few pounds happen.  We, as a couple can work on practicing that.  But, it is my job to take that truth home to myself.  And let me tell you, friends, as I am writing this, I am working it out.  I felt the most incredible pain in my heart regarding this issue over the last couple of weeks.  There are facts - the undeniable existence of "states of being":  I have gained weight.  My body shape has changed.  But those facts can stand alone.  They don't have to be weighted with qualifiers and determiners.  We do that to ourselves.  And guess what? Due to some metabolic issues and other factors, I can't lose the weight right now, no matter what I do.  I could be at this weight for the rest of my life.  With the belief that "when I lose weight, he will love me, I will be happy, I will feel good about myself, etc," I would be postponing love...forever.   I am forced to love myself NOW, as I am... or not... But I am here doing this work because I want true peace and happiness, and I want to afford my sweet little girls the same option. And as it should be. 

I don't believe I am the only person who projects my feelings on those around me. Assumptions can also be projections. I did my share of that in the last couple of weeks,too. Assumptions - those sneaky little bastards! Case in point: I have a wonderful friend who suffered the wrath of my assumptions. I had felt like she was pulling away from me. In reality, she was just living her life, loving me all the same, but really busy. I had some insecurities about how she perceived me, based on how I perceived myself around her. I built the idea that she was pulling away from me on top of a big foundation of my own insecurities. That's how it starts... Some fact - an element of truth that should stand alone and does stand alone without ego, and then you use your own projections as little supports. And thus, a lie is constructed - a lie that reinforces your own feelings about yourself. Ahhhh.... Confirmation! I really do suck! No, assuming sucks. Remember the old phrase: "When you ass-u-me, you make an..."