The Only Perfection

That I Would Be Good   by Alanis Morissette

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

The pressure to measure up to the standards we set for ourselves is crushing.  We tend to blame others for the responsibility of setting this standard, but we own that standard, that belief.  In reading the lyrics of "That I would be good," one might assume this is a statement about the judgements of others.  But, what happens if we make it a song to ourselves?  If you remember in a previous post, I mentioned that amazing moment when my second daughter was in the birth canal and then in my arms.  It was a chatterless moment of euphoria.  Why didn't it last?  - Because, the next moment was filled with fear - the fear the I would fail this tiny little life as a mother and care giver - the fear that she would die - the fear that I would not be enough - the fear that she would see through me and call my bluff one day.  Perhaps I am alone in this, but I don't think so.  I remember, when I was still singing regularly for a living, often feeling like I was a fraud - that it was just a matter of time before someone would see me for what I really was, call me out, and it would all be over.  I remember finding it to be so peculiar that I had this underlying feeling most of the time, but I hadn't the capacity to recognize it for what it really was: I did not believe I was worthy, so I rejected the notion that I would be loved, have success, be contented or happy, or healthy...  Rather, I took a much safer notion that every bit of positivity in my life was a fluke.  I should not embrace it, for it will soon be stripped away... and as it should be. I certainly did not deserve it. In a world where we are taught to "earn," this is such a foreign concept.  As I am writing now, it is difficult for me to accept that there is a place within me that is unconditional, constant, and honest.  But, I think it is in the release - the release of all of those things we hold onto that act as shields to our cores - the pretenses, the standards, the subtexts, the chatter, the absolutes, the defenses - the release of all of those things, to leave us in a place of vulnerability.  While most definitions of vulnerable have a negative connotations (i.e. "capable of being emotionally or physically wounded," or "open to attack or damage"), I believe it means to be stripped down to the least common denominator, the essence, the core (without defenses).  The definitions seem to assume that what is coming at that which is vulnerable is malicious.  I have a theory that love is like light:  It is never consumed.  When light is present, it radiates from its core or source and expands to its very limit.  The brighter the source, the greater the expanse.  Light is never overtaken with darkness, therefore one can assume that light also acts as a force field to the surrounding darkness.  So, when you are vulnerable, you are opening yourself to unconditional love, which radiates from within, creates a force field and covers everything within its reach.  It's the only perfection. 

If you have not already, I beg you, I insist, I implore you to watch the video I have posted of Dr. Brene' Brown.  I watched it tonight, finally, after the recommendation of a dear friend (thank you!).  It blew my mind.  You will not believe how right on it is with what we are all exploring together.  Please, please watch it.  You will not regret it! 

Other Mirrors

All of the computers broke down in my house at once a few days ago.  I am writing on my new laptop tonight!  Yippee!  On track - full steam ahead - I am 15 days into this project, and it is still as difficult as it was from day one, but the difficulty is evolving.  I haven't had much of a desire to see my reflection for any reason - but I did worry about a booger I brushed away... it took a moment to talk myself down, "boogers are human.  Everyone gets them.  If anyone saw it, they didn't tell me, which makes it about their discomfort, not about me and my very human booger...Boogers are human.  Boogers are human.  Boogers are human (Assume fetal position, insert thumb, fiercly rock back and forth)."  Deep breath, and... In fact, it is always about "them," because, it is always about us. I believe our reflection just bounces off of other people and situations.  A great example would be driving on the highway behind some ridiculously slow driver we just can't get around.  It's about us, isn't it?  We might be late.  We are definitely impatient.  We are annoyed.  How could this person be driving so slow? While, this person may have a mechanical problem or a health problem.  But, it's about us.  And the slow guy might be really annoyed by our tail-gaiting, and notice that we are annoyed by his driving.  He might slow down, because it is all about him, while we could be rushing to the bedside of our dying loved one.  That is a surface example, of course, but it does run as deeply as you are willing to look.  Perhaps an egoless self would choose to try to see the situation from the perspective of the other person?  It seems the best place to be is at a spherical pivot, where we are able to access all perspectives.  We all know what happens when one has tunnel or selective vision (exampled in the news daily, right?). 

I have been researching cultural ideals of beauty and have discovered some interesting information.  As if we didn't know, ideas about beauty, and therefore even attraction is very much suggested by cultural stimulation.  There are countries in west Africa that are currently under scrutiny for a tradition they have practiced for hundreds of years.  Fatness is a desired trait in a bride, so they force feed their young girls to fatten them up to assure they are married off as soon as possible.  Chinese consider having pale skin, black hair, big eyes, big nose (in men),  and tall (over 5'7" in men) all to be ideal.  Currently, the Ukranian ideal comes in the form of an incredibly voluptuous, 200 + pound actress with long, dark curly hair and overflowing boobages.  In fact, I read one article that stated that 70% of the world's cultures find "chubby" to be the ideal female form.  I could go on, but to do so would be rerunning the obvious.  To each their own.  It's not about us, it's about them, because it's always about us...

Thus far, I have noticed that I LOVE taking a 5 minute shower, getting dressed, tussling hair, and being done!  Love it!  I struggle with how I might be looking here and again, but I am able to disarm it pretty quickly.  This is mostly because I do believe in what I am doing.  I believe how I look should not define me.  I imagine someone who didn't really believe that would be driven crazy by this experiment.  My husband and I are doing very well.  I have struggled with him and his perception of me because, while I know he supports me in this endeavor, I also know he is very visually oriented.  In the past, I worked pretty hard to keep that side of him stimulated, by looking the way I knew he preferred me to look.  Obviously, now I am unable to do that.  To my surprise, it turns out I was making it about me...  Get this:  clothes the way he likes, make up the way he likes, hair the way he likes, etc. etc.  I feel better about myself.  I am willing to put myself out there.  He says "Wow!" and responds with eagerness.  My suspicion is verified (he really does like me better when I am like this - he must hate me when I am not).  Pattern is established.  Now that the pattern is broken, I am forced to allow my husband to just love me.  Damn, that's hard.  Because of the mirror thing, that means I actually have to love myself enough to let him love me.  Well, I can say I am really beginning to just let him love me, because I am beginning to love myself.  Once I realized there is no reason I have to have to love myself (I don't have to earn it), it has taken the pressure off.  That's good. 

I just finished reading my entire blog again. I think I needed to see "from whence I've come." I no longer give the mirror or my reflection much thought. I seem to have moved on to more complicated and provocative things. But, today I am overwhelmed. I am here for myself, most absolutely, but I am also here for my daughters. I am blogging about it because I figure if my journey can touch or inspire one person, it's worth it. I don't want my daughters to believe they have to buy into the untruth that their worth has anything to do with the exterior. By exterior, I mean ANYTHING that is outside of the self. For instance, actions should not determine worth. Worth should determine actions. Actions do speak for themselves, good or bad, by they do not speak for you. They speak because of you. Yes, I really, truly believe this. There is the potential in all of us to connect directly to a place that is utterly raw and present, unfiltered, silent, pure - perhaps something that no description can do justice. I know this. I know this, because I have felt flickers of it - we all have. If you don't remember, it's because you have forgotten. With the birth of my first daughter, I was pretty drugged up. I felt nothing. While I remember the joy I felt helping her into my world, the connection was vague because I was vaguely present.  But, with my second daughter, I was with every moment as if I were one with the moment. From the time she was in the birth canal to when they lay her in my arms, there was nothing but THAT - that. I was nothing and I was everything. There was no past or future. No filter. *Just* I wasn't ok with me. I wasn't NOT ok with me. There was no determining. No question. No answer. No chatter. Just. Just. Are you following me? 

The mirror is just another thing that represents the exterior - the chatter, interference, distraction, whatever. It just so happens to be (seemingly) the biggest one - the one that almost single handedly determines self worth in modern society (and in my psyche, despite my contradictory convictions). 

Perhaps our essential core is this incredible light that is burning inside each of us. Our ego represents an outer shell that thickens with external influence. Maybe moments of *just* poke holes in the shell and allow the light to ooze out.  We often repair it with spackle - maybe out of fear?!?!?!. Well, what can I say? I'm all out of spackle. -and I threw out the knife. All I have is a whole bunch of "fed up" which I converted into renewable courage (look how green I am!) and I am so ready to live and love.                  

I find myself wondering how many things I have running around in my psyche that found roots one day when I believed something someone I trusted said about me or another person or the world. Of course, there are the obvious ones; the ones we usually remember with great pain and no doubt regurgitate in front of people we pay to fix us. I have many, as we all do, and could easily list them. We also sometimes wear them like medals of honor (or dishonor). These things become our story - those things which define us, which we use to tell people who we are. I am reminded of an amazing book: "Journey to Ixtlan: The Lessons of Don Juan" by Carlos Castaneda. It made a huge impression on me, but I really didn't know it the first time I read it - probably because I wasn't ready for it. I've read it several times now, and little by little, I walk away with a bit more. A question is posed in the book: who would you be if you had no past and no future; if you were merely in the present? I remember the first time I really asked myself that question. I felt incredibly vulnerable, defensive, and clueless. I now realize that so much of who I was, was defense. It was my excuse for all the failure I was surely going to produce. "This is why I will not measure up, in case you were wondering." I could create a perfect, little cushy place for me to land, if ever I should fall. Interesting. I see the mirror as just another facet of that same concept. Our appearance is another preemptive definition of ourselves, as if to distract ourselves and those we encounter from who we truly are and could be. It gives us something tangible to control. "I can look fabulous and they will all think I am fabulous and then I don't really have look inside to face the truth" - either we ARE what we have always believed and thus, we can go ahead and sink the nails into that coffin, or we are NOT and now we have to face the pressure of upholding all of that greatness that is within us! It's like my little girl says to me when she successfully goes potty: "Mommy, don't be proud of me! Don't say good job!" I was stunned when she said that for the first time. I couldn't believe she, at 3, was feeling the pressure of continually needing to succeed. Well, I was also saddened to know that she read my enthusiasm as pressure to perform. (note to self, right?) I am coming to believe that developing a self sustaining core is simple. There is no performance. There is no standard. There is nothing but honesty and courage, and with those things in their purest form and lowest common denominator, we can take action, which brings all of that beauty to the surface. So, one last thing comes to mind. Honesty in its lowest common denominator is unfiltered. Someone who speaks something hateful may be saying something he honestly believes, but it is filtered through layer upon layer of lies. I suspect pure honesty can only be love. I'm going to take that and sleep on it. Let me know your thoughts.

Those little boogers!

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.
-- Kahlil Gibran

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic.
-- Rosalind Russell

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched ... but are felt in the heart.
-- Helen Keller

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
-- Elizabeth Kubler Ross


Well, friends, I seem to be reaching some difficult moments in this experiment, as the reality of having to pull from my core surfaces. My husband and I made it to our wonderful church for the first time in a very long time.  I had to show myself, having not looked into a mirror for 7 days, to people who had not seen me in months, and as it turns out, one person who had not seen me in more than 20 years.  And you know what? It was wonderful.  I hardly gave thought to how I looked and had a wonderful time reconnecting.  I attribute this far more to the company I kept, rather than my own personal development, honestly.  I knew I was surrounded by people who loved me unconditionally. That is an amazing gift - to be with those who give you that kind of grace... but, can you see that feeling ok with yourself because of how others feel about you is still outwardly based? I want to reiterate how wonderful it is to have those in your life who love you and tell you often. But, the focus on this blog is to find an inward place where that same love radiates outwardly from a place deep within - self love and acceptance - an unchanging, self sustaining core of unconditional self love. 

I've spent a lot of time in the last few months thinking about my core beliefs/life goals.  I think it is valuable to sit down and reflect occasionally on what you really believe and what you really want in life.  For me, I realized something monumental in my convictions: Belief + Courage + Action  = Self-sustained Core.  A belief without the courage to take action on it is merely an idea.  I also think that having all kinds of ideas floating around which I do not put into action slowly tears away at my self esteem through feelings of disrespect and dishonor.  The flip side of that is recognizing the potential to use this as a way to sabbotage myself by setting myself up for failure: having unrealistic expectations for myself, not being able to meet them, then beating myself up for it, therefore confirming my own feelings about myself.  It's a viscious cycle many of us find ourselves completing over and over again.  If you want a little challange,  and more than likely, a little breakthrough, take a little time to see if you do this same thing in your life, if even in subtle little ways. 

I have been wondering how Mother Theresa, Helen Keller, and Ghandi viewed themselves lately.  I am positive Helen Keller never used a mirror, but what about the other two?  I am thinking not.  If they did, it was probably to check for boogers  - somehow, I even think they expected the people around them to be big enough to recognize a booger or piece of spinach in their teeth as something very human and normal.  Maybe we should wipe our noses or brush our teeth but leave it at that.  In other words, don't empower the damn things.  Get over it. Get over the little boogers!   Get over ourselves. 

Might be getting more bumpy

I had an incredible moment last night.  Preemptively, I am assuming we are all big enough to at least accept that some people do not care to be careful with every word for fear of offending those who are uncomfortable with too much information.  While I don't care to air my business for all who will listen in an every day setting, I think a setting like this one calls for recognizing and disempowering the proverbial elephant in the room.  Frankly, I am tired of the "fear of judgement or offense" dictating how I walk through life.  It is probably age.  In our first counseling session, our counselor assigned that my husband and I set aside 30 minutes a day to be with one another however we like, with lights off and a candle lit.  At some point during our time, I considered the possibility of, drum roll, sex.  I immediately thought about him possibly not being attracted to me... but here is the clincher:  I genuinely was not concerned about how I looked to him, but merely desired to connect without concern for anything but connection.  It was fleeting, but it was real.

Tonight, I took a break to use the restroom at work and glanced up at the mirror after washing my hands.  It was so quick.  This is when I seemed to go out of body as I watched my reaction and also seemed to watch the dialogue tumble out of my brain onto my previously encouraged self esteem. In a second's glance, I managed to abuse myself on too many counts to note.  I have never been naive enough to believe that going without a mirror for a month would take care of everything, but I, perhaps, did not realize the magnitude of  challenge that lay ahead - that I would be battling myself and the years of programming I have unwittingly submitted to; a standard of beauty; a standard of worthiness.  It reminds me of fashion, where some "wizard" behind some more-than-likely bejeweled curtain determines what cool is, and we all believe it, even if it may have previously been considered hideous.  I do resent this.  I resent that someone decided that I am not ideal.  Moreso, I resent that someone has determined that my worth be determined by my "less than idealness."  Here is the elephant in the room: that someone is me.  Tonight, in recognizing that I did a great job of stealing my power away today (and that is ok - it's part of the process), I take it back and disallow that thinking to continue.  I do believe in this, even if, for moments, I lose my path.  It's all good.

And all of a sudden, puberty? Day 3

So, yea, I hadn"t considered one thing... what do you do when you have a zit?  Today, I have become a zit face out of no where.  I don't really care about zits... as long as they are, um, deflated.  But, all throughout the day today, I have found several that needed deflating.  What the heck? 

I was reminded today of a Radio Lab podcast I heard a while back on "Words."  Specifically, the story of a neuroanatomist, who described her experience of having a stroke.  It came on in flashes; a moment which she would describe as internal silence, where the mental chatter would cease and she would be left with being in the present experience - a complete peace, followed by the left hemisphere firing back up and realizing she was having a stroke - she needed help - have to...get help... maybe... and suddenly *Zap* pure peace again.  By the time she was in the hospital, she was unconscious.  It was a battle for many years to get her words back, but she recalls those times of being wordless, chatterless, as being utter peace, to experience the unadulterated experience of sensation. While we, with endless chatter, recognize the sun is shining and might hear the words in our head, "oh, look the sun is shining," she would merely feel the sun hitting her face and experience, from moment to moment, the sun hitting her face... the warmth.... the bliss.  She admitted that given the choice between having her words or experiencing the moment, it would be difficult to decide.  I am so inspired by that story.  While I hope I or you never experience a stroke, I am provoked to wonder whether we might be able to adopt a bit of that peace into our own experience by simply aspiring to a level of conciousness that disallows the gratuitous chatter that pulls us away from experiencing the moments we could be cherishing fully.  I believe the possibility is in us, if only we see our greatness - the boundless, incredible potential to experience the present - the power to choose not to define ourselves by anything exterior, past or future and just be, fully be. 

I have been honored with the responsibility of being a part of training a wonderful family.  I have to leave you all with an inspiring moment I had in our first meeting recently.  I had mentioned I had quit wearing make up a while back because I had realized that I was attached to wearing it because I felt unworthy and unattractive without it.  I no longer wanted to be a slave to it and felt the need to be free.  she said, "Yea, but you're beautiful.  Your complexion is clear and you have no laugh lines..." And there was my epiphany... and very real truth for all of us to recognize... that, we sometimes disguise our self abuse in the complements we think abuot and express to others.  Had I heard the inner dialogue following what she said to me, it would have said, "and I don't have a clear complexion.  I have laugh lines."  She is a lovely, beautiful, strong woman.  But, it doesn't matter how she appears to others.  She sees what she believes to be her weaknesses and her thoughts about herself stop there.  The opportunities we have to rob ourselves of our happiness are endless.  It takes proaction and mindfulness to stop those thoughts and refuse to allow them to become our beliefs.  Afterall, nothing matters but our content. Nothing matters, but our content basking in each moment. Please let me know you are out there.  Especially let me know if you are with me on this journey.  Share your thoughts.  Let's inspire each other to move to the next level and begin experiencing in the present! 

Reflecting on not reflecting

Ending day 2 with some thoughts.  Today was a struggle.  Honestly, it is pretty damn freeing to jump in the shower, jump out, get dressed, put a little gel in my hair and be off.  Very nice.  Very fast.  I'm disturbed by how many times I was drawn to look at myself, and moreso by what triggered that need.   This morning, after our counseling session, I felt particularly vulnerable.  I had to be incredibly mindful.  A couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about our senior citizen friends and how it must be quite freeing to reach an age where you begin to focus on other things.  I am well aware that many older people still are a great deal concerned with their appearance (Oy - Joan Rivers, for one), but for those who actually allow themselves to develop personally and age gracefully, I appreciate their ability to spend their day enjoying themselves without concern for much more than enjoying themselves.  I, for one, am unable to just be.  If I do find myself lost in a moment, I am often brutally reminded of why I should not let my guard down (or my belly out) for all the telling pictures that emerge later.  So, I sit, but not completely comfortably, I smile, but not to big, I laugh, but not too hardily. I dodge the moment to avoid the captured part.  I photoshop. I crop.  I dress with great angst for each social gathering.  Folks, I am being completely honest, perhaps because it feels good to be there - to see this part of me for what it is so I can move on.  But, you know, the other part of my motivation is in hope that my raw honesty will inspire whoever is reading this (for interest) to take a deeper look and begin to recognize the lies we tell ourselves daily.  Friends, if not us, then who?  We are heart broken and angered at our loved ones for not offering unconditionality to us.  But, I believe taking a second, deeper, more honest look, might reveal a brokeness and anger steming from self-conditionality.  If not us, then who?

Let the games end...

The battle has begun. My husband and I had our first counseling session early this morning in which some sensitive issues were addressed. I found it interesting that I desperately wanted to look at myself all the way home. Now, knowing that I never look at myself with love and approval, this tells me that what I really wanted to do is hurt myself; to somehow confirm to myself that I was as unacceptable as I was feeling - perhaps like a trap I was setting for myself. It reminds me of people who set themselves up for failure in various life situations so they can prove to themselves they are the failures they think they are. Self sabotage. My True refection would not have mattered. My perception would have prevailed and I would have had my confirmation. In other words, self sabotagers are not realistic. Interesting. Something else interesting: I am not someone who walks around slumped over and negative and self depricating. I am a positive, encouraging, average woman. I think this is important to note, because I don't think we really know how often we allow our thoughts, words and behaviors to beat us down, defeat us, steal our joy, and steal our self esteem. As my awareness about this has grown, I have noticed it constantly throughout the day. I also noticed various public media likes to tell us how we do not measure up (and how their product will help us). Listen, this experiment may be about my refection, but this is bigger than just our physical appearance. It's a big one, but it's not the only one.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (sorry facebook friends, I had to add this) says in his essay "Self Reliance" in not so few words and much great eloquance, to treat negative criticism and praise with the same disdain. I ended my career in opera because I found that my self esteem wavered with the opinions, both negative and positive, of others. All of these affirmations we are seeking to help us accept ourselves seem to be missing the point, because it still keeps the focus on the exterior. "You are beautiful the way you are." Yes. OK. True. But, I want to get to a point where it simply doesn't matter to me, because I truly, whole-heartedly believe it does not. I take care of my body because it serves life to me. I see my face as a trusted, old friend who interprets and delivers my heart. I am my heart, and my heart was born into acceptance, worthiness and love. More to come, later tonight.

Day One Experience

I woke up this morning forgetting it was the first day of being without a face.  Fortunately, my children made mefaceless before I realized I was supposed to be.  I woke up at 7:30 and did nothing for myself before noon, including look in the mirror or brush my teeth.  I am glad my children adore me.  I am completely stricken today by just how much I look into the mirror each day, because, boy oh boy, how I had to deflect the urges!  We went to the mall and I was incredibly aware of how I looked.  I met this wonderful person, Beth, who had taken her daughter to the child play area at the mall.  I found myself worried that she would find me to be unkempt and frumpy.  I so wanted to go check my reflection.  After finding out she was in the health field, I immediately wanted to check my reflection to see just how fat she must think I am.  It reminds me of when my husband and I are together and he touches a place I am feeling insecure about, and immediately have to run my hands along the same area to check out what he felt. All in all, today, I discovered I look at myself all day long.  This means I tear myself down repeatedly every day.  I pretty much spend my day criticizing myself. No more, peeps!  No more! 

And I left my face (and body) behind

Today is the first day of an experiment, and hopefully a transformation of sorts.  Today is the first day of an entire month without looking into a mirror at my face or my body.  With this, of course, goes not wearing makeup. Somehow, it seems that would defeat the purpose.  The purpose?  A while ago, I realized that I use the mirror as a tool of self destruction.  I look at myself with incredible self loathing and disgust.  I turn 38 in a couple of weeks, and I am not going to spend the rest of my life not accepting and loving myself.  I am on a path to self love.  The complication comes from what the true path to self love is.  I am not here to feel better about my looks.  I am here to learn how to love myself despite my looks; without my looks.  I believe it isn't about what I look like.  But, unfortunately, neither my ego, nor society believes that is true.  Join me on my journey.  I hope you can glean a little inspiration along the way!