Might be getting more bumpy

I had an incredible moment last night.  Preemptively, I am assuming we are all big enough to at least accept that some people do not care to be careful with every word for fear of offending those who are uncomfortable with too much information.  While I don't care to air my business for all who will listen in an every day setting, I think a setting like this one calls for recognizing and disempowering the proverbial elephant in the room.  Frankly, I am tired of the "fear of judgement or offense" dictating how I walk through life.  It is probably age.  In our first counseling session, our counselor assigned that my husband and I set aside 30 minutes a day to be with one another however we like, with lights off and a candle lit.  At some point during our time, I considered the possibility of, drum roll, sex.  I immediately thought about him possibly not being attracted to me... but here is the clincher:  I genuinely was not concerned about how I looked to him, but merely desired to connect without concern for anything but connection.  It was fleeting, but it was real.

Tonight, I took a break to use the restroom at work and glanced up at the mirror after washing my hands.  It was so quick.  This is when I seemed to go out of body as I watched my reaction and also seemed to watch the dialogue tumble out of my brain onto my previously encouraged self esteem. In a second's glance, I managed to abuse myself on too many counts to note.  I have never been naive enough to believe that going without a mirror for a month would take care of everything, but I, perhaps, did not realize the magnitude of  challenge that lay ahead - that I would be battling myself and the years of programming I have unwittingly submitted to; a standard of beauty; a standard of worthiness.  It reminds me of fashion, where some "wizard" behind some more-than-likely bejeweled curtain determines what cool is, and we all believe it, even if it may have previously been considered hideous.  I do resent this.  I resent that someone decided that I am not ideal.  Moreso, I resent that someone has determined that my worth be determined by my "less than idealness."  Here is the elephant in the room: that someone is me.  Tonight, in recognizing that I did a great job of stealing my power away today (and that is ok - it's part of the process), I take it back and disallow that thinking to continue.  I do believe in this, even if, for moments, I lose my path.  It's all good.