Let the games end...

The battle has begun. My husband and I had our first counseling session early this morning in which some sensitive issues were addressed. I found it interesting that I desperately wanted to look at myself all the way home. Now, knowing that I never look at myself with love and approval, this tells me that what I really wanted to do is hurt myself; to somehow confirm to myself that I was as unacceptable as I was feeling - perhaps like a trap I was setting for myself. It reminds me of people who set themselves up for failure in various life situations so they can prove to themselves they are the failures they think they are. Self sabotage. My True refection would not have mattered. My perception would have prevailed and I would have had my confirmation. In other words, self sabotagers are not realistic. Interesting. Something else interesting: I am not someone who walks around slumped over and negative and self depricating. I am a positive, encouraging, average woman. I think this is important to note, because I don't think we really know how often we allow our thoughts, words and behaviors to beat us down, defeat us, steal our joy, and steal our self esteem. As my awareness about this has grown, I have noticed it constantly throughout the day. I also noticed various public media likes to tell us how we do not measure up (and how their product will help us). Listen, this experiment may be about my refection, but this is bigger than just our physical appearance. It's a big one, but it's not the only one.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (sorry facebook friends, I had to add this) says in his essay "Self Reliance" in not so few words and much great eloquance, to treat negative criticism and praise with the same disdain. I ended my career in opera because I found that my self esteem wavered with the opinions, both negative and positive, of others. All of these affirmations we are seeking to help us accept ourselves seem to be missing the point, because it still keeps the focus on the exterior. "You are beautiful the way you are." Yes. OK. True. But, I want to get to a point where it simply doesn't matter to me, because I truly, whole-heartedly believe it does not. I take care of my body because it serves life to me. I see my face as a trusted, old friend who interprets and delivers my heart. I am my heart, and my heart was born into acceptance, worthiness and love. More to come, later tonight.