Reflecting on not reflecting

Ending day 2 with some thoughts.  Today was a struggle.  Honestly, it is pretty damn freeing to jump in the shower, jump out, get dressed, put a little gel in my hair and be off.  Very nice.  Very fast.  I'm disturbed by how many times I was drawn to look at myself, and moreso by what triggered that need.   This morning, after our counseling session, I felt particularly vulnerable.  I had to be incredibly mindful.  A couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about our senior citizen friends and how it must be quite freeing to reach an age where you begin to focus on other things.  I am well aware that many older people still are a great deal concerned with their appearance (Oy - Joan Rivers, for one), but for those who actually allow themselves to develop personally and age gracefully, I appreciate their ability to spend their day enjoying themselves without concern for much more than enjoying themselves.  I, for one, am unable to just be.  If I do find myself lost in a moment, I am often brutally reminded of why I should not let my guard down (or my belly out) for all the telling pictures that emerge later.  So, I sit, but not completely comfortably, I smile, but not to big, I laugh, but not too hardily. I dodge the moment to avoid the captured part.  I photoshop. I crop.  I dress with great angst for each social gathering.  Folks, I am being completely honest, perhaps because it feels good to be there - to see this part of me for what it is so I can move on.  But, you know, the other part of my motivation is in hope that my raw honesty will inspire whoever is reading this (for interest) to take a deeper look and begin to recognize the lies we tell ourselves daily.  Friends, if not us, then who?  We are heart broken and angered at our loved ones for not offering unconditionality to us.  But, I believe taking a second, deeper, more honest look, might reveal a brokeness and anger steming from self-conditionality.  If not us, then who?