I just finished reading my entire blog again. I think I needed to see "from whence I've come." I no longer give the mirror or my reflection much thought. I seem to have moved on to more complicated and provocative things. But, today I am overwhelmed. I am here for myself, most absolutely, but I am also here for my daughters. I am blogging about it because I figure if my journey can touch or inspire one person, it's worth it. I don't want my daughters to believe they have to buy into the untruth that their worth has anything to do with the exterior. By exterior, I mean ANYTHING that is outside of the self. For instance, actions should not determine worth. Worth should determine actions. Actions do speak for themselves, good or bad, by they do not speak for you. They speak because of you. Yes, I really, truly believe this. There is the potential in all of us to connect directly to a place that is utterly raw and present, unfiltered, silent, pure - perhaps something that no description can do justice. I know this. I know this, because I have felt flickers of it - we all have. If you don't remember, it's because you have forgotten. With the birth of my first daughter, I was pretty drugged up. I felt nothing. While I remember the joy I felt helping her into my world, the connection was vague because I was vaguely present.  But, with my second daughter, I was with every moment as if I were one with the moment. From the time she was in the birth canal to when they lay her in my arms, there was nothing but THAT - that. I was nothing and I was everything. There was no past or future. No filter. *Just* I wasn't ok with me. I wasn't NOT ok with me. There was no determining. No question. No answer. No chatter. Just. Just. Are you following me? 

The mirror is just another thing that represents the exterior - the chatter, interference, distraction, whatever. It just so happens to be (seemingly) the biggest one - the one that almost single handedly determines self worth in modern society (and in my psyche, despite my contradictory convictions). 

Perhaps our essential core is this incredible light that is burning inside each of us. Our ego represents an outer shell that thickens with external influence. Maybe moments of *just* poke holes in the shell and allow the light to ooze out.  We often repair it with spackle - maybe out of fear?!?!?!. Well, what can I say? I'm all out of spackle. -and I threw out the knife. All I have is a whole bunch of "fed up" which I converted into renewable courage (look how green I am!) and I am so ready to live and love.