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Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Day One Experience
I woke up this morning forgetting it was the first day of being without a face. Fortunately, my children made mefaceless before I realized I was supposed to be. I woke up at 7:30 and did nothing for myself before noon, including look in the mirror or brush my teeth. I am glad my children adore me. I am completely stricken today by just how much I look into the mirror each day, because, boy oh boy, how I had to deflect the urges! We went to the mall and I was incredibly aware of how I looked. I met this wonderful person, Beth, who had taken her daughter to the child play area at the mall. I found myself worried that she would find me to be unkempt and frumpy. I so wanted to go check my reflection. After finding out she was in the health field, I immediately wanted to check my reflection to see just how fat she must think I am. It reminds me of when my husband and I are together and he touches a place I am feeling insecure about, and immediately have to run my hands along the same area to check out what he felt. All in all, today, I discovered I look at myself all day long. This means I tear myself down repeatedly every day. I pretty much spend my day criticizing myself. No more, peeps! No more!
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3 comments:
Chelle, What a great start in your battle for self love and acceptance. Once in which we all should take. Yes, I agree that we all are way too obsessed with our outer appearance. Especially in this society. I was fortunate to figure out many years ago that true beauty comes from within and radiates out. My sister and I have been blessed in the since that we have been too many peace gatherings within the last 20 years. During these gatherings we could be isolated in the deep forest for up to a month at a time with very few luxuries. I have gone many weeks without being able to see my face. By the time I do see a mirror often times I have lost weight and look pretty tattered. However, it is always an eye opening and inspiration experience. After several days of not seeing your outer self you begin to focus on the inner self and your inner beauty begins to radiate. I know that not seeing yourself for one month in the forest is much different than in what we call "Babylon." There is a much greater pressure being in society among co-workers, friends, relatives, etc. I am very excited to read your posts and I pray that your month experience is a enlightening one. Peace
I think for me, my husband touching me is something I crave and never get for whatever reason but then I put all of my negative feeling in my head as the reason why and not the real reason (he is tired from working for 48 hours without sleep). Even now after typing at least one of the REAL reasons, I think it still is because I am too fat and out of shape and not pretty enough. Even today, as he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me I was thinking, "Why? Your life would be so much easier without me in it?" Why do I tare myself down so much!? I would lilke to take a part of your jurney with me. I hope and pray I am learn something about myself. To remember I am of worth!
Well, you wonderful ladies, forgive the delay in my response, but I couldn't figure out how to respond! Jeez! Thank you for commenting! I was talking to my Mom today on the phone and another one of those epiphanies - I will probablybblog about it tonight, too. It is easy in to see the things done to us in our lives, well, as things done to us. Therefore, we become victims. Even something as simple as feeling like your husband isn't attracted to you becomes something that victimizes you. Of course, then the things that truely do victimize you are even moreso. But, remember, a big part if this journey is taking back our power. And taking back our power means recognizing our responsibilty in not allowing our power to be taken away, either, by people, circumstances, or our very own thoughts. It's empowering to know we truly have control over being victimized. Many people who buy into being a victim will also continue to create situations to be victimized again and again to confirm their low opinions of themselves. That self sabotage thing is huge, but it can occur in very subtle ways. H2g... I am curious if you might be doing some of that in a very subtle way: asking for intimacy at a time when it isn't very reasonable and feeling rejected when it doesn't happen. I could be wrong, but it might be something to think about. I was really taken aback a few days ago when I realized that I wanted to look into the mirror more when I felt the worst about myself. Therefore, with the mirror being my tool for self destruction, it shows I really just wanted to abuse myself and confirm my feelings. So subtle.
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