The Only Perfection

That I Would Be Good   by Alanis Morissette

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

The pressure to measure up to the standards we set for ourselves is crushing.  We tend to blame others for the responsibility of setting this standard, but we own that standard, that belief.  In reading the lyrics of "That I would be good," one might assume this is a statement about the judgements of others.  But, what happens if we make it a song to ourselves?  If you remember in a previous post, I mentioned that amazing moment when my second daughter was in the birth canal and then in my arms.  It was a chatterless moment of euphoria.  Why didn't it last?  - Because, the next moment was filled with fear - the fear the I would fail this tiny little life as a mother and care giver - the fear that she would die - the fear that I would not be enough - the fear that she would see through me and call my bluff one day.  Perhaps I am alone in this, but I don't think so.  I remember, when I was still singing regularly for a living, often feeling like I was a fraud - that it was just a matter of time before someone would see me for what I really was, call me out, and it would all be over.  I remember finding it to be so peculiar that I had this underlying feeling most of the time, but I hadn't the capacity to recognize it for what it really was: I did not believe I was worthy, so I rejected the notion that I would be loved, have success, be contented or happy, or healthy...  Rather, I took a much safer notion that every bit of positivity in my life was a fluke.  I should not embrace it, for it will soon be stripped away... and as it should be. I certainly did not deserve it. In a world where we are taught to "earn," this is such a foreign concept.  As I am writing now, it is difficult for me to accept that there is a place within me that is unconditional, constant, and honest.  But, I think it is in the release - the release of all of those things we hold onto that act as shields to our cores - the pretenses, the standards, the subtexts, the chatter, the absolutes, the defenses - the release of all of those things, to leave us in a place of vulnerability.  While most definitions of vulnerable have a negative connotations (i.e. "capable of being emotionally or physically wounded," or "open to attack or damage"), I believe it means to be stripped down to the least common denominator, the essence, the core (without defenses).  The definitions seem to assume that what is coming at that which is vulnerable is malicious.  I have a theory that love is like light:  It is never consumed.  When light is present, it radiates from its core or source and expands to its very limit.  The brighter the source, the greater the expanse.  Light is never overtaken with darkness, therefore one can assume that light also acts as a force field to the surrounding darkness.  So, when you are vulnerable, you are opening yourself to unconditional love, which radiates from within, creates a force field and covers everything within its reach.  It's the only perfection. 

If you have not already, I beg you, I insist, I implore you to watch the video I have posted of Dr. Brene' Brown.  I watched it tonight, finally, after the recommendation of a dear friend (thank you!).  It blew my mind.  You will not believe how right on it is with what we are all exploring together.  Please, please watch it.  You will not regret it!