Posts
All of the computers broke down in my house at once a few days ago. I am writing on my new laptop tonight! Yippee! On track - full steam ahead - I am 15 days into this project, and it is still as difficult as it was from day one, but the difficulty is evolving. I haven't had much of a desire to see my reflection for any reason - but I did worry about a booger I brushed away... it took a moment to talk myself down, "boogers are human. Everyone gets them. If anyone saw it, they didn't tell me, which makes it about their discomfort, not about me and my very human booger...Boogers are human. Boogers are human. Boogers are human (Assume fetal position, insert thumb, fiercly rock back and forth)." Deep breath, and... In fact, it is always about "them," because, it is always about us. I believe our reflection just bounces off of other people and situations. A great example would be driving on the highway behind some ridiculously slow driver we just can't get around. It's about us, isn't it? We might be late. We are definitely impatient. We are annoyed. How could this person be driving so slow? While, this person may have a mechanical problem or a health problem. But, it's about us. And the slow guy might be really annoyed by our tail-gaiting, and notice that we are annoyed by his driving. He might slow down, because it is all about him, while we could be rushing to the bedside of our dying loved one. That is a surface example, of course, but it does run as deeply as you are willing to look. Perhaps an egoless self would choose to try to see the situation from the perspective of the other person? It seems the best place to be is at a spherical pivot, where we are able to access all perspectives. We all know what happens when one has tunnel or selective vision (exampled in the news daily, right?).
I have been researching cultural ideals of beauty and have discovered some interesting information. As if we didn't know, ideas about beauty, and therefore even attraction is very much suggested by cultural stimulation. There are countries in west Africa that are currently under scrutiny for a tradition they have practiced for hundreds of years. Fatness is a desired trait in a bride, so they force feed their young girls to fatten them up to assure they are married off as soon as possible. Chinese consider having pale skin, black hair, big eyes, big nose (in men), and tall (over 5'7" in men) all to be ideal. Currently, the Ukranian ideal comes in the form of an incredibly voluptuous, 200 + pound actress with long, dark curly hair and overflowing boobages. In fact, I read one article that stated that 70% of the world's cultures find "chubby" to be the ideal female form. I could go on, but to do so would be rerunning the obvious. To each their own. It's not about us, it's about them, because it's always about us...
Thus far, I have noticed that I LOVE taking a 5 minute shower, getting dressed, tussling hair, and being done! Love it! I struggle with how I might be looking here and again, but I am able to disarm it pretty quickly. This is mostly because I do believe in what I am doing. I believe how I look should not define me. I imagine someone who didn't really believe that would be driven crazy by this experiment. My husband and I are doing very well. I have struggled with him and his perception of me because, while I know he supports me in this endeavor, I also know he is very visually oriented. In the past, I worked pretty hard to keep that side of him stimulated, by looking the way I knew he preferred me to look. Obviously, now I am unable to do that. To my surprise, it turns out I was making it about me... Get this: clothes the way he likes, make up the way he likes, hair the way he likes, etc. etc. I feel better about myself. I am willing to put myself out there. He says "Wow!" and responds with eagerness. My suspicion is verified (he really does like me better when I am like this - he must hate me when I am not). Pattern is established. Now that the pattern is broken, I am forced to allow my husband to just love me. Damn, that's hard. Because of the mirror thing, that means I actually have to love myself enough to let him love me. Well, I can say I am really beginning to just let him love me, because I am beginning to love myself. Once I realized there is no reason I have to have to love myself (I don't have to earn it), it has taken the pressure off. That's good.
2 comments:
The unbearable amount of disapproval and scrutiny I place on myself based on my appearance (mainly my weight, especially since I had children) absolutely comes between my husband and I. I'm so inhibited and withdrawn and almost incapable of welcoming any physical affection - even a hug. I long to find that place of acceptance, where I can see myself with or without clothes and not automatically plan the starvation and rigorous exercise I need to do to NOT LOOK LIKE THIS ANYMORE, followed by the feeling of hopelessness, knowing I'll fail, because the mountain is too high. It's vicious.
Geneva - boy, do I know what you are talking about. Here is what comes to mind when I read your comment: It seems like you are projecting your feelings about yourself onto your husband - he can't begin to get close to you. you are rejecting yourself for him. you could lose weight and do countless other things to get yourself into the condition you would like to be in, but truly, you have to consider the part of you who believes you are simply not worthy of love how you are - that you have to meet some standard. And dear, these are YOUR standards, because you are believing every bit of it, whether you do intellectually or not. If you believe beauty is something different than the standard you are holding yourself to (I hope you do), then girl, you are going to have to start honoring your beliefs. I think honoring yourself is a big step in the direction of developing a real core - it's respect. As for being overwhelmed with the idea of getting fit: just put the focus where it belongs. We should be taking care of ourselves because we honor this amazing system that allows us to love each other day in and day out. It is as simple as that. Our bodies are such a gift and we should be taking the best care of them. If your only focus is on caring for yourself, then all the other concerns are out of your hands. One last thing: If you are so worried about yourself when you are with your husband, are you really able to love him? I know that when I realized that, a major shift happened. Do you know how long I have been frustrated with him focusing too much on himself when we are together? - only to realize that, while our reasons are different, we are both focused on ourselves rather than each other - not a good combo... ahem. You've got this - keep going.
Post a Comment